Sunday, January 18, 2009

Pity Party

***WARNING: Emotional feelings ahead brought on by the dozens of pregnant women ruining my vacation. They are everywhere***

Everywhere we turn at this resort we have been running into pregnant women -- elevator, pool, beach, restaurant, lobby, store, and parking garage. It's driving me mad and drumming up the not so amazing feelings that only another barren woman could understand -- inferiority, inadequacy, incompetency and the dreaded feeling-slash-elephant in the room...jealousy.

I get so jealous when I see a pregnant woman rubbing her belly. It seems so natural, so pure and so tender. They look like the mothers they will soon become the way they lovingly stroke their bellies. I always wonder what they are feeling at that moment? A kick? A flip? Does it feel like butterflies in their belly? It makes me incredibly jealous because I will never ever know that feeling. Then I think of B and what I have taken from him because of my useless cancer ridden uterus. Poor B, he will never get to watch our baby grow in my belly or feel our baby kick. We'll never have that movie scene moment where we are in our bed on a sunny Sunday morning when I take his hand I say that our baby is kicking and he feels it for the first time and then smiles. I will never see his reaction to that moment. So much more has been taken from me other than my fertility. B and I will never enjoy these precious milestones and memories, and I am bitter and angry about it. I don't want to hear any comments like "what you are going through is so much more emotionally involved and will make you both stronger". F--- that! I am literally sitting here on the front lines watching people rub their bellies and take their husbands hands to their womb. I can tell you first hand that I would rather be in their shoes and that they seem just as bonded as B and me. Why did I have to have my uterus surgically removed? Why couldn't it have been someone that never wanted children? Why couldn't it have happened to someone who used drugs or sold their body? Why me?

I guess I'll never know.

9 comments:

Mandy said...

Well I can say it sucks! I am with u and understand completely, since i never had a uterus to begin with. I work at a Maternal and Child Consortium and I am the Program Coordinator for guess what?? Healthy Mothers/Healthy Babies, i teach pregnant moms and dads and people who are thinking about pregnancy all about staying healthy and conduct educational classes. If that doesnt suck tell me what does?? but i am with u....i see them rub their bellies and tell me...you're gonna be all belly when u're pregnant...um no i'm not...i want it too.

hang in there, we all are...just need to learn how to deal with it better....i guess i am not dealing with it at all.

thinking of u and praying for a healthy baby delivery!!

crystal said...

What I can share with you, is that many of us who have already brought a baby back home, experienced many emotions, especially a few weeks before the delivery. Many of us have found that that those who are in our situation, do not talk about it. Once you have your baby in your arms, it will help to alleviate some of what you are feeling. I'm such a wimp that I never really wanted to carry a baby.

I did at some point feel sad when I saw women with children, when I learned that I would not be able to have biological children of my own.

I sent out a group e-mai with Dr. Patel's new e-mail address, so let me know if you didn't get it!!

Rhonda and Gerry W said...

All I can say is, I know what you mean and fully understand and totally GET IT! Try and enjoy your beautiful vacation and rejoice in only 75 days to go!!!!!

Intending To Be Parents said...

Pity parties are totally allowed! We all need them once in a while! You are completely entitled to feeling all that you are feeling and I understand your sadness and frustration.
But try your best to enjoy your vacation in the beautiful place that you are in! I know it's hard to ignore all of those pregnant women though! And I know this doesn't change that feeling that you feel, but your little one will be here soon and I am so excited for you!

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel. My husband and I are also having a baby from a surrogate in India, due Apr 27.
It's hard to see the pregnant women. But on the flip side, they're taking a lot more risk than we are. Pregnancy is a risk to your health (even if you take care of yourself) and can cause diabetes and depression. It is also damaging to your body. See this website: www.theshapeofamother.com
At least people like us don't have to worry about these things.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. It makes me hurt to read your post. I hope this hurt goes away once you hold your little one

Ps: I think it is a boy

Carrie Jo said...

Tracy,

I didn't see this post when you first put it up, but as I read it tonight, I cried along with you. I can't answer the hard questions--why you got cancer, why Mandy and I were born without a uterus at all--why these things happen to women who want children desperately instead of women who wouldn't care. I don't know that there is anything in the world that can make this any better for you. All I know is that I share your pain and feel for you....and that I hope and pray that when we hold our children in our arms, we will feel like every moment of paian was worth.

N said...

I hope you are feeling better now, though I know it's not something that just goes away. I can tell you that now that the babies are here, pregnant women only bother me 1% of what they used to. It really has become a non-issue, and that was not the case at all before. I hope you will find parenthood the same.

Jennifer said...

Hey, It's just me, Jenn. Hang in there girl. There's no better way to say it--it f*cking sucks, but there's no doubt that you will be best mom and your baby is so, so lucky to come into this world and get to be with you. xoxo