***WARNING: Emotional feelings ahead brought on by the dozens of pregnant women ruining my vacation. They are everywhere***
Everywhere we turn at this resort we have been running into pregnant women -- elevator, pool, beach, restaurant, lobby, store, and parking garage. It's driving me mad and drumming up the not so amazing feelings that only another barren woman could understand -- inferiority, inadequacy, incompetency and the dreaded feeling-slash-elephant in the room...jealousy.
I get so jealous when I see a pregnant woman rubbing her belly. It seems so natural, so pure and so tender. They look like the mothers they will soon become the way they lovingly stroke their bellies. I always wonder what they are feeling at that moment? A kick? A flip? Does it feel like butterflies in their belly? It makes me incredibly jealous because I will never ever know that feeling. Then I think of B and what I have taken from him because of my useless cancer ridden uterus. Poor B, he will never get to watch our baby grow in my belly or feel our baby kick. We'll never have that movie scene moment where we are in our bed on a sunny Sunday morning when I take his hand I say that our baby is kicking and he feels it for the first time and then smiles. I will never see his reaction to that moment. So much more has been taken from me other than my fertility. B and I will never enjoy these precious milestones and memories, and I am bitter and angry about it. I don't want to hear any comments like "what you are going through is so much more emotionally involved and will make you both stronger". F--- that! I am literally sitting here on the front lines watching people rub their bellies and take their husbands hands to their womb. I can tell you first hand that I would rather be in their shoes and that they seem just as bonded as B and me. Why did I have to have my uterus surgically removed? Why couldn't it have been someone that never wanted children? Why couldn't it have happened to someone who used drugs or sold their body? Why me?
I guess I'll never know.